imagined: gratitude

through the speakers this very moment:
beautiful boy – ben harper

…she had her own little corner of the world.
it was bright with the colors of a string of peaceful prayer flags.
it was perfumed with handmade bars of patchouli soap. (heavy on the patchouli)
it echoed with her laughter like the happiest of franti songs…

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while i was pregnant with boy three – i would often find myself counting the months ahead and wondering what belly and life would look like - come september. i wouldn’t be super huge yet. lucas would start preschool and i’d be able to load gavi up in the stroller and waddle ourselves over to pick him up.
september came and went and we strolled that belly just like i’d imagined.

come october i imagined - the baby nest would be ready. cath and her lil’ red mini would pull into the driveway and we’d settle in to welcome boy. i imagined she’d make herself a little space in the guestroom of her own. i imagined my labor would come. imagined the birth the best i could. knew the day would come that we’d know his name. that we’d ink his foot prints and introduce brothers. i imagined oatmeal for breakfast and her spaghetti. i imagined she’d paint with gavin and win his heart. that she’d sing franti and dance with my lukey. that she’d mother my husband with beef stew and spoil me with late afternoon naps. i imagined we’d stay up late and wish for my sisters to join us. i imagined my dad would visit and they’d whisper and snuggle like young loves. i imagined she’d visit old friends and even make new ones. that she’d midwife a few of my own.
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i imagined that come november she’d pack up her things. bags a little fuller than when she’d come. that i’d bury my head in her shirt and cry my eyes out. that she’d kiss the top of my head and tell me she’d see me soon. that i’d send her off and we’d both be a little(big) bit different than when she’d come.

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she left her corduroy coat on the back of her desk chair. and a few other things here and there. she left me with charlie grey. brother three. grandchild ten. born on a early sunday morning during a gentle rain. caught in her hands. my mama’s hands. just like i’d imagined…