"well, anybody can be just like me, obviously. but then, now again, not too many can be like you, fortunately" - bob dylan

for all four of my married years, each christmas i've asked for a kitchen-aid. it's the first thing on my list. never have i woken up christmas morning to find it under the tree. i finally figured out why. i don't/can't cook or bake. andrey knows this and thus the reason i've not yet received the prized gift. i do occasionally cook dinner. but i don't like to. we lived off of take-out the first two years of our marriage. i'll bake the occasional batch of cookies but only if the craving is so intense that it must be satisfied. my finished meal or treat is always missing something. a little more salt. a tad more sauce, a ton more sugar. so why the kitchen-aid? two reasons really. because i think it might help me bake better and because it would look oh! so dang cute in my kitchen. i won't even go into how badly i want a hanging pan rack full of spendy copper pans. i do however, love to watch people cook. i love to plant myself at amy's bar in her kitchen and watch her create. she can turn balsamic vinegar into a delicious glaze, drizzle creamy caramel sauce over fancy baked pears or pull the prettest lattice topped pie out of the oven. i can only wish i had such a talent. and admire anyone who does.
i did something brave. so brave. as far as i'm concerned anyways. i made a new friend. i wouldn't say that i'm a shy person. more like "quietly reserved" until someone approaches me and i feel safe enough to allow my true crazy self to be be-friended. i'm not sure why i do this. i think/feel like i have alot to offer people. i think/feel like i am a good friend. i think/feel and would like to say that i've chosen carefully and wisely my friends in the past. so why the hesitance? i'm really not sure. well when ashlee called and actually wanted to be my friend i was so excited. she invited lucas and i over for lunch. (yes, for lunch. lunch that she was going make.)so here it is, brave step number one: i called her back. then proceeded to pack up my lukey and jump in the car.
brave step number two: knocked on the door.
we ate the yummiest penne pasta and feta salads. i was in awe at the fact that her refrigerator was full of fresh ingredients to do much more cooking and that this whole eating real food for lunch thing was a regular happening at her house. so impressed.
we had such a fun afternoon getting to know eachother and talking about our babies and what it's like to be somebody's mother. i went back the next day to help her sew a nappy bag to carry around diapers and treats for her little max boy. it was so fun. just to get out of the house and hang out with another grown-up that loved to be as creative as i do. that loves good music and good food and dr. pepper. has cute shoes. is a good mother. and wants to be my friend. i've always said that there are few people in the world that you will actually connect with, get to know and will be a part of your life history. such a cool thing to have found a new heart connection. and this new ashlee-friend of mine. she's going to teach me how to cook. and bake. so that the recipes... turn out. you guys just watch. i'm getting a kitchen-aid next year!!

lucas has learned so many tricks the past couple of weeks. he's been ramblin' on and on in his own lukey-speak. something about dogs and kitties and gram-pas. he can tell us what a tiger says. ROOOOOOOAARRR! and shows us where lucas is. he took 10 big boy steps today and has really learned how to get down and dance.
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yes. that is his snowsuit. yes. that is snow on the ground. yes. it is nearly april. we woke up to winter all over again the other day. plucky!
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andrey got us hooked up with some lovesacs last week. you should have seen us driving home from picking them up. they'd already been unpacked and were expanding as we drove. we laughed that we might not make it home before they'd popped through the doors and out the windows. luc is learning to love sesame street and his new red bean bag chair is perfect.
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my sweet boy. i think we've started the weaning process. we're starting with one feeding every couple of days. first the morning nurse. we'll get up together instead of me nursing him when he first wakes up, grabbing him a ton of toys and turning on pbs so he'll let me sleep a bit longer. instead we'll get up and eat breakfast together. he won't eat baby food so we've had cheerios one day and cream of wheat today. he thinks it's funny. but then he'll take a nap for me a few hours later. he went two whole days last week without a real nap. no good. hopefully this helps us. well...he was fine...hopefully this helps me.
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one week til the party!! let the official planning and shopping begin! invitations have been sent out. packages have arrived. baby's first haircut appointment has been made. one year ago today i was all belly...and ankles. ha! goodnight, loves.

"and i was surrounded by a language in which i could say only hello... but you spoke so that i could understand" -ani difranco

i got a package today. two actually. mmmm three! three great packages.
first one: lucas got his first birthday present from asher-buggy. wrapped all sweet and green. asher, luc and pres where all born within a few months of eachother. we always say that they just couldn't let eachother come on this adventure without the other. asher was brave enough to come first and luc decided to stay behind as long as he could with presley (seriously as long as he could) and pretzel didn't come too far behind. hurried herself right up to find her friends.
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steen called to tell me that nat had gone in for an appointment and her little one couldn't wait any longer. they were going to take her in a hour or so and deliver her baby. my heart beat a little faster and i told steen to take good care of nat until mom could get there. i packed lucas up into the car and we headed over the bridge to pasco to find jeff and amelia's house. when i got there no one was home so lucas and i had to just drive around with all my nervous energy. my luc slept in the backseat the entire time. atleast an hour or so. which is hard to believe. he was only 4 weeks old and hated to be in the car. he slept so peaceful and i just drove and drove until steen called again to say that presley brynn was here! and beautiful! and healthy as her tiny self could be. that natalie was fine. that all was well. it was only a few moments later that lucas woke from his sleeps. we like to say that he was dreaming of his little friend. waiting for her to safely arrive from her journey. we laugh how the three of them will be in the same grade...go to the same proms... take good care of eachother. asher sent luc some share clothes in his package and it amazed me that they are already nearly the same size. he caught right up. i love that they will be cousin-friends.
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lucas already gets on presley's nerves. she cries out for help when lucas even gets close to her in all of her girlie-ness. but secretly sometimes when we're not looking we catch them holding hands. and when she first sees him in the morning she kicks her little leggies and smiles her girly smile. best friends. so luc's first birthday present came today. from his asher-buggy. i can't wait for his party. can't wait. well truth is... i could. where is my baby?
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second package: from babyant.com. luc's kurt cobain surprise. i found it online months ago and have been waiting and waiting for the right time to throw down the cash for such a purchase. the coolest t-shirt ever. it's even cooler in person than it was online. i'm going to wrap it up along with his new seekairun shoes for his birthday. again...where is my baby? this kid of mine is going to be walking in a matter of days. i had to buy him "real boy shoes!" we're best friends. lucas and i. we sing in the car together. we are learning a secret language. we love to read books to eachother. we love to sleep in.
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third package: my amy-mimi sent me her first made-by-herself mixed cd. and it's delicious. soo good. i had andrey take the big car to work today so i could clean up my jetta girl. she was so happy to see me. after i put luc to bed tonight, natalie and i snuck out to get a treat. it was dark out and i knew where all the jetta buttons were to get her back to her old self. moved the seats, turned up the bass a bit, opened the sunroof and put in my new see-d. first song...brandi carlile. my new favorite. the song will be on repeat for the next few days or so. it struck a place in me. tapped into something. there i was driving around in the dark with my natty and my jetta-girl. loud as could be. my favorite thing in the world is learning to love a new cd. learning to love it enough that when you hear again years later in some odd funny place that it takes you back. takes you somewhere else. and you can hear and smell and feel what you were during then. i won't tell you the secret that this song remembered for me tonight. but if you listen to the song and it reminds you of me...then maybe the secret was you. goodnight you loves, goodnight. -lin

for you:
the story -brandi carlile
hypnotized -ani difranco

"the three of us" -ben harper

usually to find a title verse for my posts i write the post first and then see what song is the first to pop into my head that relates. tonight was a bit different. i left luc at home with andrey so that i could sneak away and visit angie and her new little one. i zipped through salt lake traffic feeling a bit disheveled from sneaking off in such a hurry and a day of chasing/catching my lucas boy. i slipped into naartjie to pick up a sweet little girl outfit (because i love to come bearing gifts) and in all of my manic bought a shirt and a pair of pants in two different sizes...zipped back into traffic, got a little lost, quickly tried to put myself together in the car before venturing into the hospital to find the elevator.
i knocked on the door and then walked into a room that was filled with such happy peace. the birth of a family. the coolest thing in all the world. there she was...sweet little clara. calm as could be on her daddy's shoulder. oh! the wonder of her! such a perfect little thing. i wonder what she was dreaming of. i sat to visit for a minute and even got to cuddle with angie's very own for a second. i got to study her sweet little ears, tiny hands, perfect little baby lips. such proud happy parents!
i walked back to my car a bit slower than i had come in and climbed back in and back on with my night. home to my boy and his papa. he looked so big! we went upstairs for a nurse. he kept giggling while he ate. so happy to see me, his very own! i studied his out of control hair, his owies from being so adventurous, his chubby leggies that can't hold still, my baby who is not looking so much like a baby anymore! i told him the story of how much we wanted him and how long we'd waited for him. the story of the day he was born to us. i had mourned the "birth i'd planned to have" for so long that as i told him the story of what did happen... it took on this whole new life of it's own. this beautiful story of how my baby came to be my very own. the birth of our family. the way andrey looked at me, the way he held his boy. the way lucas smelled. the first time we said his name to him, the sweet relief in his safe arrival, my own momma's hand, the overwhelming peace that night when i looked in my baby's eyes and wondered the stories that he could tell if only he could tell them. the reality of something far bigger than me having a hand in all of this. the circle game. i'm so thankful for the 10 minutes i spent with angie, scott and little clara today. that it led me to a new story. so... tonight i was planning on just posting a pic of the new babe and write a congratulations. so i sat down with my cd cases to pick the perfect lyric for giving birth, a newborn, a lullaby. but in my search my heart was so full and i kept picking song after song that i loved...pretty soon it became a song list instead of just a lyric and in the end the title of my blog is "the three of us" by ben harper and it doesn't even have any words...
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song list for sleepy babies:
hold you in my arms -ray lamontagne
wild horses -the sundays
by your side -sade
wonderwall -ryan adams
do you realize -flaming lips
maybe i'm amazed -jem
new slang -the shins
gravity rides everything -modest mouse
world spins madly on -the weepies
case of you -joni mitchell
a lack of color -death cab
green apples -chatel kreviazuk
this must be the place - shawn colvin
little wing -neil young
blackbird -sarah mclachlan
sweet baby james -james taylor
such great heights -iron and wine
baby -dave mathews
ooh child -beth orton
the sea -morcheeba
pink moon -nick drake
quiet time -k's choice
in the sun -michael stipe & coldplay
butterfly -donovan frankenreiter
from here to can see the sea -david gray
ode to my family -the cranberries
the sweetest gift -sade
at my most beautiful -R.E.M.
you still believe in me -m. ward
desire -ryan adams

tough choice, huh. goodnight loves, lin

"little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces, little darlin' it seems like years since it's been here. here comes the sun!" -the beatles

spring is here, my friends. well this week it is anyways. it's beautiful outside - everything that i've been craving. we spent a good chunk of time breathing in the yummy fresh air the other day. taking walks and soaking in the vitamin d. i laid a blanket out in the front and let luc crawl free. he's never really got to do any "earth" exploring yet, so it was so fun to watch him discover new things. he crawled through the grass, dug his hands deep into the dirt, tasted a couple leaves and waved his hands in the breeze. he loved it. i loved watching him take it all in.

andrey can't wait to take him on fishing/hiking adventures.

we have this weird problem in our family of personifying things that we love. like our pets, our cars and weirdest of all...our shoes (& even weirder...for amy it's lipgloss*). we give them names and somehow convince ourselves that they too have feelings. making it very difficult to part with things or even to accept new things in. we still mourn the deaths of family pets. like rosie the beast dog and candy the floppy bellied cat. my mom is still having a hard time bonding with her pretty girl passat after selling her montero due to old age. and i have a hard time letting andrey "trash" my jetta girl as a work car even though he's bought us this shiny new acura. (yet to be named). but shoes! it takes forever for us to pick a new pair of shoes. they very quickly become old friends once a purchase is finally made. my mom was feeling a bit sad about putting away her cute winter boots due to the happiness in the weather. this is my favorite tradition of the season transition. giving up on the sock hunt everyday in favor of flip flops or flats and manicured toes. i reminded her how fun it will be in the fall to start wearing wooley socks again and dust off her boot-friends. so the spring/summer shoe hunt has begun. any suggestions for my feets new traveling buddies?

i'm making a public declaration. i need the motivation so this is the only way to go. i want to be able to fit into anything and everything that is cute and summery. so...i'm giving up soda pop. water only for me from now on. i say this as i'm drinking a sonic sunrise from sonic. complete with the lime and cherry. but this is the end for me. for now. today anyways.

anyone else think this kid needs a hair-cut? for his birthday he'll be sportin' a new do. speaking of his birthday. what a bash it's going to be! please come! everybody! i found a place online that i can order those balls that they have in the ball pit at mcdonalds. i think i'll fill up a little swimming pool with them and let all the little babes jump in.
luc is very much learning how to use his voice to express his emotions. his whole body really. he's begun throwing these little tantrums. usually when we're in public of coarse. i'm not sure how to "parent" him at these moments and still let him explore his new voice/yell. he's standing on his own and will probably be tottering around by his birthday. i feel a third tooth finally coming through too. what a nut. this kid of mine!

happy spring, my loves! be watching for spring cards in the mail! if i don't have your address email it to me. stoyan45@aol.com. love, lin
ps. angie-dear. since you're the only one who really reads this thing...is she here yet?!!!

"go, go, go" -indigo girls

something terrible just happened to me. oh- it's horrible. i typed this big long post. steen as my witness. all pretty and stuff. then the computer unplugged itself. lost it all. oh! i'm so sad! i can't bring myself to retype it. it just wouldn't be the same...

guess i'll just go cry my eyes out.

"tell her you miss her when you're close enough to kiss her and that you'd walk a thousand miles to tell her so" -rosie thomas

...you pulled at my heart strings the moment i saw you... i told everyone about you. couldn't stop talking of you...then i saw you again...
hot dogs, russian boys, the "Z", silly notes, roses at work, framing dust, cookies at the jobsite, thanksgiving dinner, azteca, jean jacket, howard amon park, the impala, christmas docs, moses lake, fishing for carp,shopping, shopping, shopping, foreigner music, little victoria, silly late night stories, connecticut, october by rosie thomas, shiny new volkswagen, sunflower seeds, selling honda's to buy rings, red robin surprises, new sweaters, yellow tulips, yellow fishing pole, open heart, march 8, 2003, white dress, little chapel, big tears, sea-town adventures, scary smoky apartment, new couches, morain street, our own "box", impala hauled the first christmas tree, more shopping,strong hard working hands, "iloveyoubecareful", bright blue eyes, red blankie, camping alone, so much love, a baby belly surprise, a baby boy!, "prettiest belly you'd ever seen", green nursery, new bed, 8 months, 9 months, lucas jude, warm tears, a family...
happy anniversary my andrey love*