"is it going to be like this the whole way? we're so close but i don't think i feel safe in this?"
"it should get better. everything i can find says it's clear... clear sunshine straight ahead," she told me.
"ok. i'll just keep going then." i said. definitely a bit uncertain.
i'm not sure if maybe i'd really wanted her to tell me otherwise. that the sky would stay dark. the storm would follow me the entire way there. i should stop. maybe even turn back. a reason to haul my son and i back to a safe place. i'd been crying my eyes out up until the storm started. my momma had packed me up with cookies and a travel cd just as i'd imagined. and the flood gates... yup. they ripped open. a reason to turn around almost sounded good. instead i decided to welcome the rain. knowing that it would soon end... we kept going.
...and just like my awaiting auntie had said, the sky opened up right in front of me.
we're here. safely moved in to our new home. my old friend of a couch. lucas tucked sweetly into our familiar comfy bed. i spend my days cleaning and cooking and chasing boy. trying my best to be a better wife, mother... such a blessing this house and everything else that seems to be falling into place... and then...
"they come upon me all silent and menacing like pinkerton detectives, and they flank me - depression on my left, loneliness on my right. they don't need to show me their badges. i know these guys very well. we've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. though i admit that i am surprised to meet them in the elegant italian garden at dusk. this is no place they belong.
i say to them, "how did you find me here? who told you i had come to rome?"
depression, always the wise guy, says, "what- you're not happy to see us?" ("eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert)
how did they find me here? in this new beautiful fresh start? wouldn't that just be how it goes for me, though? will it be like this for the rest of my life? should i just start expecting them to show up with their ugliness, uninvited...forever? this time they bring along a mix of confusing homesickness, an overwhelming "to do list" and a giant scoop of uncertainty. this time, i've decided to welcome them in. hopefully without a fight they might not stay long. i'd use them to my advantage and tap into the creativity that flows during these moments i spend stuck in this familiar rainstorm. i stayed in my pajamas for a few days. kept my phone calls brief. spent the time in unloading boxes and reading books.
and then gradually... as i keep trudging along... the storm seems to be lifting... my brains are slowing down the craziness and as i sort through my thoughts with honesty, things seem to be getting brighter... "clear sunshine straight ahead."