a big bonk. a big chunk of my heart.

finally this saturday we decided to tackle the garage. every little thing we'd stuffed in there had been hauled out to the front yard. it looked like an awesome afternoon garage sale. the boys were riding bikes, splashing in the hose and digging through treasures that had been buried for months in the garage mess. 

and then we heard it. gavi's yell. the deep cry and then silence. 
you know the kind. the 'it's-bad' kind. 
he'd been climbing in and out of the van and had managed to let the sliding door slam closed. 
onto his head. 

andrey ran to him. 
no blood. 
aw, good. 

i scooped him up and into the house we went. i held him tight until he calmed. 
and then i got a good look. 
i watched his mini-gavin forehead, right at his temple - swell up. 
to scary huge. 

i remember having this thought:
this could go either way. 
this could be really bad. 
or this could be no big deal. 
and then we were off. 

i'm not really sure how to explain it - but since briana's accident i've been in this strange holding state.
anticipating another instant when everything will change. 
i am the mother of boys. 
we have bonks and cuts all the time.
do i get to have no-biggie crazy stunts anymore?  

our first trip to the ER as parents of wiley boys. 

gavin is high maintenance. 
has been from day one.
he tests my patience. 
he gives me more patience. 
and some days - i'm not even sure what he really needs from me as his mother. 
but he is my boy. 
and i was scared. 

i was sort of surprised that my instincts to mother him kicked in so strongly. 
that i knew exactly what to do to calm him and how to be with him. 
a thorough check-up and an x-ray later, all was well. 
my boy looks a little banged up - but my mama heart was reassured that he would be ok. 

we came home to the contents of our garage still out in the front yard. 
our saturday - thankfully went on as normal. 
but something in me - as the mother of gavin west - has changed.