December's a hard month for me. My birthday brings lots of identity issues because I am an identical twin and the 18th of this month is the anniversary of my Joshua Tree Crater. Neither are easy to deal with.
I woke up one morning in Bishop's Pit confused and thinking I was in Joshua Tree. I started to panic. Five minutes of shallow breathing passed before I recognized that I was no where near Hidden Valley Campground.
I have not been sleeping much lately. I woke up at 3 one morning and drove to the Looney Bean. The girl at the coffee shop unlocked the door as I pushed it open. My head felt scrambled.
One of my good friends told me she was hospitalized. She did not release any other details. Wish her well if you think about it.
I drove seven hundred miles and made it just before Grand Junction when I realized that moving to Colorado was a bad idea. I started to sweat. My head pounded. This had never happened to me before. Maybe it is because I spent so much time with Charlie over the past few days. Maybe it is because those two planets are so close to each other in the sky. Maybe it is because the winning lotto ticket of the last New York Megabucks was a 3. Who knows. I just felt like I should back down. I rarely bail on solo missions. While I was driving I felt like I was onsight soloing again. Moving steadily into the unknown. On the Northwest face of Lembert, on the Dike Route on Pywiak, on Pinched Rib in Joshua Tree, on Gripper in Yosemite, on Snake in Squamish, on and on I stopped at a mental crux and pushed myself through it. It was supposed to make me grow, and boost my confidence. All it did was make me thankful I was alive. When soloing you should have confidence to deal with the insecure. As soon as that's gone...so are you. Suddenly on the drive, I realized I did not want what was in Colorado. I wanted to be back in the Bay. I wanted my brother. I wanted to work on myself and spend time working out the rough parts of my life.
Anyway, I ate a donut. I have a soft spot for donuts. Actually I have a lot of soft spots because of donuts...another thing I'll probably have to fix in my life (all the soft spots). Here's to rounding myself out and toning up!