summer 2003. i'm pregnant. i knew i wanted to have my baby in the pretty birth center in salt lake. i have a great respect for home-birthers but that didn't feel like the right choice for me nor did a hospital birth. i had found a happy medium. a great solution. toward the end of my pregnancy, cathy asked me the "why not a home birth?" my reasons: ...i wanted a natural labor and wanted to be able to do things my way. but i didn't want to be at home. i didn't want to be in labor while someone was in my kitchen doing dishes or doing laundry.....or heaven forbid...people watching tv or playing video games. i wanted to be the only "thing going on" i wanted a to be in a place that wasn't exactly my home....but a place that felt cozy and safe. and i wanted to be heard.
the salt lake birth center and becky, my midwife, felt like a perfect fit. perfect.
you know, my delivery was going to be #100 at the birth center. all kinds of festivities were going to be held to celebrate. but that's not quite what happened. parts of "my" birth story are a little fuzzy. but that's really ok with me. i think i remember it the way i want to remember it. and i really don't want anyone else to write it for me.
i was in early labor all that day. lindsay and i walked the fashion place mall, i have a very happy memory of our lunch at macaroni grill that day. then more mall walking. i think lin bought us that sweet brown blankie that day too. feelings of being scared and excited took turns coming over me.
and the night came, and the labor got real. and hard. and harder. i probably could have stayed at cathy's longer, but we went to the birth center. and labor got harder. and i wasn't progressing. how could this be? i was having hard core contractions and not dilating? we tried all kinds of things. becky checked me again. and i saw her look at cathy. and i knew. i still hadn't progressed and we had to move. another calendar day had gone by. i was tired. we transported to the hospital. i had no idea what was going to happen. i hadn't planned on being there.
an epidural, pitocin, a near c-section. another day goes by with my family camped out in the hospital waiting room.
and finally. the birth of my baby boy. and honestly...when i got that baby boy, my little reno, in my arms....i was so tired...but the "way" he got here....didn't matter anymore. he was safe. healthy. sweet.
going to the birth center a couple of weeks later for a check up brought a twinge of sadness over the way things "should" have been. the picture of cam's birth i had planned in the pretty suites there and the way things would just flow naturally. its not how it ended up. and it was ok to grieve about it.
i've come to believe that, for me, its not so much about "the birth" really. and that's just my own opinion. i choose to focus on the layers.....the bond i had with my baby when he was in my belly. all those months where i made choices based on the fact that they were affecting a growing babe in my body. the sweet baby belly rub i got at the day spa days before he was born.the meditation. the music we heard while he was safe inside me. the thoughts and dreams i developed for this little boy i had yet to meet. he kept me sane as other parts of my world were falling apart.
the bond that was made when i first touched him. when i felt his little self on the outside of me. getting him to nurse. giving him life. learning the ways of mothering this babe.
and he still keeps me sane as other parts of my world fall apart. its about having him here. and getting him here didin't go according to my plan. but really...it was never my plan to make in the first place. love and peace to you my brave, sweet linny. that is my story.....love amy
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